Liability

Have you ever looked at a Rorschach Test, and wondered how people could be so ignorant and see anything except the complete obvious? That was me. Ignorant with a capital I.

Today's world might celebrate diversity, but when you were young and misunderstood, it was nothing but a liability. Being completely mute until I was around 3 certainly did not help my case; so was not being able to differentiate colors, or count until I was in first grade. I lacked understanding, and was unusually optimistic about everything. Even that time when I fell flat off a desk and cracked my front tooth. Unable to associate pain with tears, I thought it was hilarious, and cackled instead. My parents, being normal as they were, freaked out and took me to the emergency room. The tooth was never found, and I was put under careful watch after the incident. As if they expected me to do it again, just to test the outcome. The doctor dangled the word "autism" to my mum like candy. Because what else could I be, except as someone who was "incomplete"? 

My daydreams became my reality, and I was its self appointed director. I didn't know how to follow directions, and boundaries confused me. I asked too many questions, the more lethargic, the better. I could recite poems and newspaper articles verbatim, but I didn't know the first thing about making small talks with my peers. Music was the only thing I understood inherently, and every night, I'd look out the window and compose a new soundtrack of my life. I discovered books shortly after, which was a good thing, since I had no other friend except my unconditionally loving family. 

I was eventually cleared of my stigmatization. Turned out I didn't qualify medically, I was just "different". Self awareness soon kicked in. I became obsessed with the idea of normalcy. I wanted so badly to fit in that I was ready to become whatever the world wanted me to be. My metamorphosis replaced my true self. I became an avid listener, even though I was a natural story teller. I was always second best, even when I knew all the answers. I braved the world with a bright smile on my face, and saved the tears when I was alone. Soon, friends poured in, and acceptance soon followed. Who needed individualism, when you can have collectivism? I was the attentive sidekick in my own movie, and oh, you should have seen me. 

I was owning it.